The Ghetto Princess and
The Three Soldiers
From Da Hood
It so happened
that Mayor Magnanimous, Mayor of the Great City of Ors, at the peak of one of his magnanimous moods, decided to open up the City Treasury and throw a big 'party'. A really, really big 'block-party'. A 'block-party' that was going to be seven whole city blocks long and last for three whole days!
All and Everyone who lived in the Great City of Ors was to be invited; and, all and everyone invited was duly expected to attend: All the young and everyone of the old; Everyone of the rich and all the poor; All the big and everyone of the small; Everyone of the short and all the tall. It did not matter how one walked or how one talked. It did not matter the color of one's skin, or of one's faith or of one's creed. It did not matter if one was a boy or if one was a girl or if one was something 'in-between'. But, friends, I must here duly relate, that it did matter, and matter very, very much, that all who were to attend this magnanimous' 'block-party' had to have, upon both feet, lest they be expelled by Mayor Magnanimous' stern-and-not-so-magnanimous City Guardians, properly polished, properly laced, and properly fitting: 'shoes'.
(And, not only would Mayor Magnanimous' stern-and-not-so-magnanimous City Guardians expel those without properly polished, properly laced, and properly fitting 'shoes' from his really, really big block-party, but expel them even from the Great City itself!
Probably forever!)
It also so happened that in that neighborhood of the Great City known as the ghetto, there lived a poor in spirit but full in faith, very modest and quite chaste young lady whose name was Little Happiness.
All the folk who lived in the ghetto loved and adored Little Happiness; not only because she had a voice like fragrant ginger adorning warm island breezes; and not only because she had a smile like about a thousand golden morning sunrises; and not only because she had a way of walking upon the cold concrete as if it were a blanket of woodland moss and dove-down; and not only because she was beautiful from the inside out, instead of that other way 'round; but, because, most of all, Little Happiness, by her very presence, inspired folks with the real hope that with two hands-full of effort a dash of forbearing patience and a pinch of felicitating faith, better ways and better days were indeed possible to be had.
She was called by the all the folks of the ghetto who had the ability to 'recognize': "Our Ghetto Princess"
...And she was duly treated by them as such.
Though Little Happiness was of that age were one considers partnering and entering into blessed union with a 'significant other', she had not yet chosen from amongst her many hopeful suitors a partner with whom to love and share and bind her time with through all the worst and through all the best that life had to offer; that is: to journey, mindfully, in blessed union, right on through whatever life had to dish out, even unto death.
Of the great many suitors who hoped to love and share and bind their lives in blessed union with Little Happiness, there was one who in reality had no chance at all of entering into blessed partnership with the ghetto princess; for she loathed and was repulsed by him who called himself, and demanded all others to refer to him also as: 'The Governor'.
'The Governor' did not live in the Great City, but for his abode had a big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion' in a place he called 'The Big Capitol',
but most everyone else in the Great City who had a least a lick o' sense, called it:
T'ain't Nothin' Much If Anything At All;
-and, duly note, dear friends, that those folks who called it such did so only behind 'The Governor's' back, for he was powerful and ornery and mean and spiteful and not someone to get on the 'bad side' of.
I should also let you know, just in case you yourself happen to cross paths with him, there is only two ways to be on the 'good side' of 'The Governor': one is to bow down and straight up lie to his expectant face, lavishing him with all sorts of comments and complements about how he was all this and a lot of that and so much more of the other; and the second way to be on 'The Governor's 'good side' is to be well out of ear-shot and far, far beyond his narrow sight and even narrower mind!
Ah, dear friends, if only Little Happiness could be so lucky as to be out of 'The Governor's' sight and mind.
But alas, alas, alas, for a whole year and a half the ghetto princess found herself being pestered five or six days a week, five or six times a day by 'The Governor's' constant pitiful attempts to wine and dine and
straight up monkey-shine her.
Can you imagine? Offending that poor girl's eyes with his ugly ol' countenance, as he maliced her ears with maligned misrepresentations of his malignant intentions, all the while terrorizing her tender nostrils with his beastly bad breath?
Five or six times a week? For five or six times a day?
For a whole year and a half?
Now you know that is just way too much for anybody to have to put up with!
Well, being constantly pestered as she was, Little Happiness 'bout ran out of patience with 'The Governor', and on the fifth day before the really, really big 'block party', she told the Governor this:
"I have had it up to here with you! Pleeeeease leave me alone! I do not wish, never have wished, and shall not ever wish to be with you! Ever! Ever! Ever! Ever!
Go a-w-a-y-y-y! Now! Damn it! And don't come back!
I need some peace of mind to prepare for the really, really big block party, 'cause I need my whole attention to tend to the proper polishing of my shoes! I want to be looking fly at the block party for, tis then I shall choose the one with whom I wish to be with in this life.
...And it damn sho' ain't gon' be you!!"
No one had ever taken such a tone of voice and attitude with 'The Governor' before. No doubt everybody on the whole block must have heard the ghetto princess so soundly rebuke him. 'The Governor' was momentarily speechless. His cheeks went pale as his ears began waxing hot with embarrassment. All he could think about was the jeers and snickerings of Little Happiness' neighbors at his stone cold rejection. His fear of being pointed out and laughed at caused his temper to spark up and get to smoldering. It was quite out of character for Little Happiness to express herself such, but the ghetto princess had had it up to the yin-yang. Even still, she thought to apologize, but, before she could, 'The Governor's' wounded pride fanned his smoldering temper right up into flames of raging anger. Gritting his teeth, he roughly and rudely pushed Little Happiness down to the floor and snatched her 'shoes'!
"You don't want to be with be with me!? Well, who's gon' want to be with you when you show up at the block party with no shoes?!" And, with her 'shoes' in hand, 'The Governor' hurricaned out of the apartment, just a whirlin' and a huffin' and puffin' and knockin' down and blowin' over any and everybody who had the misfortune of being in his blustering way, even children, pregnant women and old folks! He got in his insanely large hummer limousine telling his chauffeur to shut up and put the pedal to the metal and take him straight to his big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion' at the 'Big Capitol'.
What was Little Happiness to do? The Governor had her only pair of shoes! How could she show up to the really, really big block party without shoes? She could not stay home when that day came, for Mayor Magnanimous decreed that all had to attend his really, really big 'block party' but, if she attended without 'shoes' she'd be banished by the Mayor from the Great City! Oh woe was Little Happiness. Curled up on the floor she just covered her face and cried, and cried, and cried.
Now you know how folks like to talk, so, spreading like crab-grass through manure, gossip tentacled its way throughout the ghetto and all who lived in those parts of the Great City soon came to know of what terrible misfortune had befallen Little Happiness.
This sad news also reached three young men who were hopeful suitors of Little Happiness: two microphone masters and a D.J., who belonged to one of the many clans of the 'Hip-Hop Nation', and who called themselves:
The Three Soldiers from Da Hood.
The microphone masters were: M.C. Love Handles and M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot; ...and the D.J. was:
Ray-Ray the Imperturbable.
As soon as the Three Soldiers from the Hood heard this terrible news, they went immediately to the apartment of Little Happiness. They each vowed to her that they would trek straightway to 'The Governor's 'mansion' and, no matter the risk, get the ghetto princess her shoes back. They all three fully understood it would be a dangerous undertaking, for 'The Governor's' 'mansion' was full of deceitful traps, and many who entered therein, were never to be seen again. But the Three Soldiers from Da Hood, full of 'noble enough faith', committed themselves to take the risk anyway. Besides, who knows? Just maybe the ghetto princess might choose one of them to be with for life.
Lest they all fall at the same time into one of 'The Governor's' sinister traps, the Three Soldiers from Da Hood thought it best to trek to 'The Governor's' big ol' custom built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion' one at a time.
M.C. Love Handles went first...
When M.C. Love Handles arrived, he saw that the front door to 'The Governor's' 'mansion' was wide open. He thought it strange. Was his arrival expected? Rubbing his rather rotund gut and summoning his courage M.C. Love Handles stepped right on up to the veranda and over the threshold and boldly into the 'mansion'. There in the ornate foyer were a spiral stairway leading up and into darkness; a zig-zag stairway leading down and into darkness; and a long hallway leading straight ahead into darkness.
"Now if I was to hide somebody's shoes, I'd hide 'em in the basement!" M.C. Love Handles thought to himself, and so chose to follow the stairway which lead down and into darkness.
It tested his nerve, that darkness, but, rubbing his rather rotund gut for courage, M.C. Love Handles kept right on step after step 'till he reached the bottom. Should he now go left or right? He knew not. At least not until a melody of enticing aromas tickled their way into is nostrils. His gut growled. M.C. Love Handles decided to listen to his gut and follow those aromas. He extended his hands out into the darkness and groped his way 'till he came to a wall. He followed the wall 'till he came to a door. Finding the doorknob, he opened the door: A bright light stung his eyes but after a moment they adjusted and M.C. Love Handles saw a richly decorated and extravagant banquet hall!
In the middle of this banquet hall was a very long and wide and richly decorated banquet table, lavishly adorned with all sorts of extravagant foods: Appetizers and entrees and desserts of all kinds, enticingly arrayed upon platter after platter and plate after plate and bowl after bowl made of gold and silver and fine porcelain. It was a real super smorgasbord and hungry man's paradise.
(Or so it seemed to M.C. Love Handles, who by the way, was always hungry!)
He saw there platters of bar-b-qued ribs and roasted roasts; deep bowls of collard greens and mustard greens and turnip greens; cornbread and hush-puppies; sweet potato pie and cheese cake and german chocolate cake; fried chicken and fried fish and gumbo and grilled pork chops and macaroni salad and potato salad and ceasar salad. There was bunches and bunches of grapes and bowl after bowl of cherries, saucers with pineapple slices and goo-gobs of cranberry sauce; there was apricot jams and mango jellys. There were peaches and nectarines and mad sweet dark purple juicy plums; there was neapolitan ice cream and champagne sherbet, hot apple pie and warm peach cobbler; there was buttered string beans and buttered sweet peas, and buttered mashed potatoes; white rice, brown rice and wild rice; macaroni and cheese too, and black-eyed peas and dressing and gravy. There was burritos and sushi and spaghetti and Jamaican curry, and Indian curry, and Burmese curry, and much, much more!
And, also, right there, right in the middle of it all was Little Happiness's shoes! But, as his eyes had been hijacked by his expectant taste buds and hungry gut, don't you know M.C. Love Handles failed to notice those shoes?!
Barely able to contain himself he ran droolin' to the banquet table. He started to dig in, but, he hesitated. Despite his excitement, he remembered where he was and it occurred to him that this could be a trap. He felt he ought turn right 'round and leave. Just then, seemingly out of nowhere, a tall lean butler with a friendly smile but eyes wicked slick appeared,
"Welcome Master Love Handles, welcome! Please, help yourself to any good thing that you see, and have as much of that good thing as you want!" M.C. Love Handles was tempted but still hesitant.
"I don't know... This might be a trap..."
"A trap? Nonsense Master Love Handles. Does it look like a trap?" M.C. Love Handles let his eyes take in all those fancy culinary delights just a steaming and glistening with deliciousness...
"Naw... But don't it be lookin' hecka good though..."
"Does it smell like a trap Master Love Handles?" M.C. Love Handles took a deep breath, receiving the chorus of enticing aromas through flaring nostrils.
"Ooooh no... But don't it be smellin' hecka good though..."
"Here, Master Love Handles, have a bite of this... See if it tastes like a trap." The butler offered M.C. Love Handles a fork full of warm peach cobbler,
"Mmmmm... Ah yea! But don't it be tastin' hecka tasty though!"
"Heh heh heh, ...So, you like Master Love Handles? Why not have another bite?"
"Well, just one mo' bite ain't gon' hurt..." and M.C. Love Handles had just one mo' bite o' that cobbler, actually not just one mo' bite, but another and another and another 'till it was all gone!
"Now, Master Love Handles, you must try the fried chicken..."
"I guess one mo' bite ain't gon' hurt!" And M.C. Love Handles had one mo', and one mo' and one mo' bite 'till that chicken was all gone!"
"And here, have some gumbo!"
"I guess one mo' bite aint gon' hurt..."
"How about some of this lovely macaroni and cheese?"
"I guess one mo' bite aint gon' hurt..."
"Look at this sweet potato pie Master Love Handles, it has your name all over it!"
"I guess one mo' bite aint gon' hurt..."
-And so on and so forth, M.C. Love Handles kept on one mo' bittin', finishin' off plate after plate and bowl after bowl 'till he swolle-up so much those 'love handles' of his was touchin' the floor! M.C. Love Handles was so full and heavy, he could no longer move!
Full as a tick 'n' fit'n' t' bust he was! …Aw man y'all!
-He was trapped!- In his own gluttonous fat!
With those wicked eyes just a gleaming, the butler, with a rather long Bar-B-Que fork in one hand, and a rather sharp carving knife in the other, slowly approached M.C. Love Handles...
...Sadly, my friends, that was the end of that!
M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot was the next Soldier from the Hood to venture to 'The Governor's' 'Mansion' to try and retrieve the shoes of Little Happiness the ghetto princess. He too, upon arriving found the front door wide open as if he were expected. He too thought it strange, but M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot yanked his crotch to summon up his courage, and pimped on up onto the veranda and over the threshold. He saw the stairs that spiraled up and into darkness, the stairs zig-zaging down and into darkness, the hallway straight ahead into darkness. Considering himself to be a ‘straight forward fellow’, he decided to follow that hallway.
Deep into that darkness, M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot heard and felt the throbbing vibration of disco dance music. He followed the throbbing beat, groping around till he came to a door. Finding the handle he opened it and stepped through.
M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot found himself in a great disco dance hall. Disco lights whirled and flashed in psychedelic patterns of reds and purples and greens and yellows, a strobe light pulsed hypnotically as a fog machine filled the hall with copious amounts of disco fog. A huge mirrored disco ball refracted swirling bits of light in dizzying circular patterns across the floor and walls.
Because the music and decor was so old school, funky, but way out of style, M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot found it suspicious and thought it might be a trap. He turned to leave but stopped when he saw, there in the middle of the disco dance floor, Little Happiness' shoes! He ran towards, but, to his surprise, between he and the shoes there materialized, very enticingly, right out of the disco fog, a devious disco 'diva'! She had big hair, and she had heavy make-up and she wore a loud and shiny and tight fitting, very revealing hoochie-momma disco outfit.
Because of the flashing lights and disco fog M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot couldn't really tell how 'pretty' this devious disco 'diva' was, if she was 'pretty' at all, but, that didn't matter to him for he could tell she was very 'freaky-deaky' and, lord a mercy! –didn’t she have beau coup booty!!
"Don't you want to play with me Master Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot?" she asked in a sultry, inviting voice. She turned her backside towards M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot and 'backed it on up'. M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot said,
"Damn girl, don't you got mad donk! Welllll, I am a playa ain't I? I guess one dance ain't go hurt! C'mon girl, back that donkey booty on up!"
Another devious disco 'diva' materialized out of the disco fog and who had even mo' booty than the first!
"Don't you want to play with me too Master Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot?"
"Well, I am a playa ain't I? Turn it on 'round and back it on up!"
And another devious disco 'diva' with even mo' booty materialized out of the disco fog,
"What about me, Master Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot, don't you want to play with me too?"
"Aw girl what can I say--what, can, I, ssayyy? I am a playa ain't I? C'mon turn it on 'round and back it on up!"
And another and another and another devious disco 'diva' each with mo' booty than the last materialized out of the disco fog. M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot was beside himself as more and more devious donkey booty disco 'divas' materialized out of the disco fog, turned it around, and backed it on up! Surrounded by all that gyratin', shakin' an' vibratin' devious disco 'diva' booty,
M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot raised his hands and started shoutin' out,
"Heeyyy! Hoooo! I'm the greatest playa in the world don't you know! Heeyyy! Hoooo! I'm the greatest playa in the world don't you know! Heeyyy! Hoooo! I'm the... Wait! Wait! Hold up! Hold up! Wait! Get off me! Y'all got to get up off me! Oh... Oh God! Wait! No! Help! Help! (gasp) Somebody help! Too much... (pant wheeze) too... much... too... (cough) much... boo... ty... Cain't (gasp) breathe... Help! I cain't (hack gasp) breathe... Ya'll drownin me! Somebody... please... hel---*
Hoo boy my friends, what can I say? Too bad and oh so sad. Man, what a way to go out. Eckh! Death by booty suffocation! Poor M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot, got trapped playin' a lil' too much and...
Sadly, that was the end of that!
Now it was D.J. Ray-Ray's turn to try and retrieve Little Happiness' shoes. Before setting off, he grabbed his custom shoulder bag that held his prized classic 12inch vinyl records and which, by the way, back in the day, every D.J. worth the title had to have on hand in order to: 'get it started', as is said, and, at the proper time, to: 'raise the roof', as is said also, before: 'burning down the house', as us old school folks may be still prone to say. When D.J. Ray-Ray arrived at 'The Governor's' big ol'; custom built super-duper funky-fly 'Mansion' he too saw the front door wide open as if he were expected, but, D.J. Ray-Ray entered not therein; knowing well that traps awaited him, he went around to the back searching for a way to
'sneak in'.
Darting from tall hedge to tall hedge, D.J. Ray-Ray made his way to the back of the 'mansion'. He was very surprised by what he saw there. First of all, there was the 'astonishing' fact that 'The Governor's' big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion', though it seemed very funky and fly from the front, was not at all so from the back. Well, it was funky alright, and it had its flies for sure, yea, them same flies that buzz about the all too funky hindquarters of that proverbial 'bull'. And, secondly, D.J. Ray-Ray saw that 'The Governor's' back yard was nothing like the well 'manicured' front yard, rather the back yard was just a jungle of thirsty thorny ‘bushes’, thistlely prickly ‘weeds’, and twisting entangling ‘tares’.
“Tch, the Governor just be frontin'!" D.J. Ray-Ray thought to himself when he saw the rundown decrepit shanty reality of 'The Governor's' big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion'. He looked for a way to enter and spied the back door. And just then it opened! Two servants exited, carrying a stretcher with a body upon it. They carried the body a ways into the back yard and dumped it. They walked back to the 'mansion' and with much strain and struggle brought out another very large body, which they dumped next to the other. Wiping his brow, the one servant said to his fellow,
“Whew! That's a heavy one! I'm tired let's bury them later. They won’t be noticed. No one ever comes out here." His companion readily agreed and the two returned to the mansion.
D.J. Ray-Ray had an uneasy feeling about those bodies. He snuck over to where the bodies lay and saw what he was afraid to see. They were the bodies of his home boys M.C. Love Handles and M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot!
Anger filled D.J. Ray-Ray's head, sadness filled his heart, and fear filled his gut. He was sad that his homeboy's were dead, angry that their bodies had been treated so ignominiously, and afraid that something of the same might happen to him. He took a moment to pray...
“Lord, I hope you find it in your Will to grant the souls of my friends peace... But I guess that's really up to the way they lived before they died...
“An' Lord, I hope this ain't too much to ask, but, I wish I knew how they was livin' before they died, that is to say, how they was trapped, for I know fo' sho' traps of the same sort or even worse awaits me inside the Governor's mansion, an' into which I gots to go, 'cause, I don't know and doubt very much if anyone else will...
“An' Lord, you know Little Happiness gots to have her shoes back, an' Lord, it is my intention, my resolute determination, Lord, no matter the risk, to get 'em back for her!" After praying such D.J. Ray-Ray sat in silence.
He was startled by the movement of one of the dead bodies! It was the body of M.C. Love Handles, and who spoke such to a very surprised and thoroughly bewildered D.J. Ray-Ray,
“Oh, D.J. Ray-Ray, my beloved home boy... Awake and beware! Awake and beware! Awake and beware! And hear you thisss... Hear you thisss! ...The Lord has ssseen fit, and duly decided to anssswer your prayer, D.J. Ray-Ray, so hear you thisss:
“Though they were right before my greedy eyesss, I sssaw not the ssshoesss of Little Happinessss but only the desssirousss objectsss of my gluttonousss appetite... Only the desssirousss objectsss of my gluttonousss appetite!. Yea, I sssaw well my sssensuousss wantsss; I sssaw not the Real Need... The Real Need I sssaw not! Yea, I sssaw... And I sssaw not! Wide of eye I wasss and filled wasss I with the wanton desssire thereof... Oh how blind, how blind, how blind I wasss! Hearken D.J. Ray-Ray! Hear my lament! Woe now am I! Woe now am I! Lasssting virtue have I lossst! Lamentation and ssshame eternal have I gained!
Oh woe now am I, lossst and without hope... Lossst and without hope! For my chance is gone... For my chance is gone... Gone is my chance! Consssumed! Utterly consssumed by mercilessss Master Time, never to return again! Never to return again!
“D.J. Ray-Ray! Let thy sssight belong to thy Reason, oh home boy, to thy Conssscience and thy Remembrance!
D.J. Ray-Ray! To thine Highessst be thou true! To thine Highessst be thou true! ...May my sssad fate be not fated for you! To thine Highessst, oh home boy, be thou true!!!"
So spoke the corpse of M.C. Love Handles, after which became once again, and forever more, still.
Then stirred the dead body of M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot and who spoke such to D.J. Ray-Ray,
“Ahhhhhhh! Woe unto meee! Seee what has become my lot! Hearken Oh D.J. Ray-Ray! Listen and take heeed! Fortunate art theee... And oh woe is meee! Woe is meee! ...But, fortune still awaits theee... For thou still breeathes, and with eeeach breath possibilitieees! Woe and alas... Alas and woe, no more for meee... No more for meee!
“D.J. Ray-Ray, my home boy true, fortunate are you for the Lord has heard your prayer and has bid my corpse answer and tell my terrible fate that thou mayest avoid it and keeep to the Way True...
“I saw, D.J. Ray-Ray, I saw the shoes of Little Happiness, yet I saw them not... Blinded! Blinded! Blinded was I by lust overwhelming, blinded was I by passion run amok! I chose pleasure my home boy, personal pleasure over Duty Divine, and sacrificed my best for lust of the flesh!
Look! D.J. Ray-Ray! Look thou, and seee... What has become of meeee! Shame and lamentation... Lamentation and shame! Seee D.J. Ray-Ray what has become of my game... Seee what has become of my Mac Daddy Playa claim to fame! Naught and nothing! Nothing and naught! Would that I'd done what I ought! But now too late! My time is past and done! Oh Woe and alas... Alas and woe... Master Time has snatched away my chance... Snatched away my game... Never shall my chance come ever again... Never, for meee, ever again!
“But for theee... Oh but for theee D.J. Ray-Ray! 'Tis not too late! ...To thine Highest, be thou true! ...To thine Highest be thou true! Maintain! Maintain! Maintain! Victorious be thine Virtue!
“Yea, D.J. Ray-Ray whilst thou still breeathes... To thine Highest be thou true! ...Lest you end like meee... Lest you end like meee... Lest you end like meeeeeeeeeeee!"
And the voice of M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot faded away and his body became corpse once more and forever.
D.J. Ray-Ray thought to bury the bodies of his home boys proper but a voice whispered him to leave the dead to be buried by the dead, and to forthrightly continue to his self-appointed task. He crept therefore up to the 'mansion' and tried the back door, but it was shut fast and locked tight, as were each and every window. He looked up and down the whole building over, trying to find a way to sneak in but found none.
He came around again to the front and stood before the open front door. D.J. Ray-Ray rubbed his palms together, summoned his courage and stepped through into the foyer. He saw the stairs leading down and into darkness, and the hallway straight ahead leading into darkness and the spiral stairs leading up and into darkness. He smelled the enticing aromas and heard the pulsing music, but, D.J. Ray-Ray also heard the voices of his dead homeboys echoing in his mind,
“To thine Highest be thou true..."
So, D.J. Ray-Ray chose the stairs which spiraled up and into darkness...
Step by step he ascended, experiencing with each step that strange mix of determination and trepidation…
Up and up and up, slowly, carefully feeling his way, step after step after step after step...
When would it end? Onward and upward climbed he 'till, finally, a sliver of light became discernible…
As D.J. Ray-Ray’s eyes adjusted, he realized the light came from a gap in the ceiling. It was a trapdoor! The spiral stairs led directly to it. Climbing the last few stairs, he ventured to push up the trapdoor and peek into what was a circular room. The square trapdoor was cut into the middle of its floor. He saw in the curving wall a door straight ahead of him, which was directly west. He looked left, which was directly south, and saw another door. He looked right, which was directly north, and saw another door. Closed the doors were and the room quiet. Was the room empty? He pushed the trap door all the way open and stepped up and into the large circular room.
Upon turning around, D.J. Ray-Ray saw that the round room was not empty! There, quite a ways off center, sitting in a high back leather chair behind his ornately carved solid oak desk, staring right at him, was...
'The Governor'!
…Behind 'The Governor', directly East, was not a door, as D.J. Ray-Ray expected, but an odd and to him seemingly out of place, but very telling, floor to ceiling portrait of... well of course: 'The Governor' his self-righteous self.
D.J. Ray-Ray and 'The Governor' stared at one another for some moments. Noting that it was just the two of them, D.J. Ray-Ray slowly closed the trap door and stood squarely upon it to prevent any of 'The Governor's' 'henchmen' from coming through behind him. After a long, thick, heavy and wary silence, 'The Governor' spoke,
“Who, are you?"
“I, am D.J. Ray-Ray."
“Have we an appointment?"
“Yea, we got a appointment,"
‘The Governor' raised an eyebrow. D.J. Ray-Ray raised an eyebrow. 'The Governor' reached into his inner suit pocket. D.J. Ray-Ray reached into his shoulder bag. The tension in the room was as thick as refrigerated peanut butter... 'The Governor' slowly pulled out his 'blackberry'. D.J. Ray-Ray remained tense and ready, his hand still in his shoulder bag...' The Governor turned on his 'blackberry' and scrolled through his appointments,
“D.J. Ray-Ray you say? What a cute name. Funny, D.J. Ray Ray, I don't see your name here,"
“But I'm here just the same ain't I?" The Governor' slowly put his 'blackberry' upon the desk. He didn't like D.J. Ray-Ray's 'attitude', his eyes narrowed into slits of suspicion,
“What business have you, here, with me, D.J. Ray-Ray? Do you know who I am?"
“Who you is, is one thang, and who you think you is, is another thang, an' I ain't gon' concern myself with either! Look here, what's important is I know who I am, and, who I am is the one who's here to get Little Happiness her shoes back! Now, I know you got 'em..." D.J. Ray-Ray squinted his eyes right back at 'The Governor' while the hand in his bag fingered a 12inch, “...So give em' up!"
'The Governor' wary of whatever might be in that shoulder bag of D.J. Ray Ray's, let out a sly chuckle,
“Relax, D.J. Ray-Ray. Look, I know you can handle yourself, else you wouldn't have come here alone, but do relax, relaaxxx; if we don't start any trouble,
there shan't be any trouble.
You say you're after some shoes? And these shoes belong to Little who?"
“Little Happiness!" D.J. Ray-Ray growled, not letting his guard down for a second,
“Never heard of her."
“Yea right! You only been tryin' to get at her for a whole year an' a half!"
“Oohhh, you mean that Little Happiness? Shouldn't we call her 'Little Slut'? I mean, how do you think I ended up with her shoes in the first place?" To hear Little Happiness insulted such made D.J. Ray-Ray so mad, he whipped out a 12inch remix of the classic club 'anthem' known as "The Message" by Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five, and with a motion of the wrist faster than the eye could follow, flicked it sending it through the air spinning at such a rate it sawed right through 'The Governor's' solid oak desk!
“I didn't come here to play!" D.J. Ray-Ray warned,
"...I came to get Little Happiness' shoes back! Give em' up! Now!"
“Whoa, temper, temper D.J. Ray-Ray, temper, temper..."
'The Governor wasn't at all expecting such a surprising move. Having duly received and fully understood D.J. Ray-Ray's 'message', 'The Governor' became nervous, and 'ill at ease'. Ordinarily, he would've buzzed the buzzer installed in his desk for just such 'emergency situations' and his 'henchmen' would've come a running to his aid; but now that his desk was sawed in half, don't think that buzzer was going to work. Still, 'The Governor' maintained his 'cool' and wasn't about to give in to the demand for the return of Little Happiness' shoes, at least not without first trying a 'trick' or two. 'The Governor' told D.J. Ray-Ray,
“...Yes, yes, of course, those shoes... Mmmm, where did I put them? ...Oh yes I believe they're behind that door."
D.J. Ray-Ray looked warily around the circular room.
“Which door?"
“That one there I believe." 'The Governor' pointed to the door directly south. D.J. Ray-Ray pulled a 12inch out and held it at the ready. Not taking his eyes off 'The Governor', he stepped over to the door. With his free hand he turned the knob and swung the door open as he jumped nimbly to the side in expectation of a 'trick'...
There was a 'trick', but not one such as D.J. Ray-Ray expected. 'The Governor' smirked. There, on the other side of the doorway was a pair of shoes. Now, D.J. Ray-Ray didn't know exactly what Little Happiness shoes looked like, as he had never met her up close, having only worshiped her from afar; but he was doggone sure the shoes he was looking at wasn't at all hers.
And they weren't. Nope. No way! For, those shoes that
D.J. Ray-Ray saw there were very big and very long and very red and very stereotypical: 'clown-shoes'!
D.J. Ray-Ray looked at 'The Governor' with viperous eyes,
“Oh you you tryin' to be funny huh!? Them ain't Little Happiness' shoes!"
“They're not? Don't they look like her shoes?”
“I don't know what they look like, but I know those ain't them!"
“If you don't know what Little Slut --excuse me-- I mean, Little Happiness' shoes look like, how can you say those aren't hers, I mean, don't they look like they might fit?" D.J. Ray-Ray held up that 12inch,
“I wouldn't be tryin' to be so funny if I was you..."
“Oh come now D.J. Ray-Ray, a little fun every now and then doesn't hurt... Relax, let me think a moment... Ah yes, that door there... I believe that's where I put them."
D.J. Ray-Ray went to the door directly west, swinging it open while jumping to the side in the same fashion as he had done with the first door. 'The Governor' smirked again. What was there was a pair of high heeled pointy toed 'dress-shoes', (and it was hard to tell which was pointier, the toes or the high heels.) It didn't take long for D.J. Ray-Ray to figure out that those 'dress-shoes' didn't belong to Little Happiness either; her name is Little Happiness after all, and no way could any sane person be called 'happy' if they was to, for whatever 'reason' or 'special occasion', degrade their self-respect by subjecting their feet, ankles, knees, hips... Hell, their whole skeletal alignment to straight up torture by wearing such wicked contraptions; obviously designed by some sadistic misogynous gay man calling himself a 'designer' and who dare not admit to himself that he suffers from 'venus-envy', and is actually under the insane impression that he doing women some kind of fashionable 'favor'.
(Now, we can't give our sadistic-misogynous-gay-man 'designer' all the blame, can we, for: don't the women who wear his 'designs' do so by their own choice? Ah! Can anyone tell me why? I honestly don't get it. Oh, their poor, poor toes! How do the women who wear such obvious wickedness on their feet just ignore what must be the incessant squealing of their 'desperate little piggies' -just a crying out all evening long, "OwWee! OwWee! OwWee! Never mind the market, and the roast beef, please take us all all the way home! Now! So we can be set free and soak our troubles away in a hot mineral bath!”)
“Them ain't her shoes either! No way! Little Happiness ain't crazy!" D.J. Ray-Ray exclaimed upon refection,
“D.J. Ray-Ray! Are you sure?" D.J. Ray-Ray held up the 12inch again. "...Yes, right, I guess you're sure. ...Ummm, why don't you try that door there... Yes, I'm sure that's where I put them.”
D.J. Ray-Ray, not one to let his guard down, went to that door that was directly north and swung it open and jumping to the side fearing a trap. No trap. Only a pair of 'brogans'. D.J. Ray-Ray studied them; he was hesitant.
“What? What's wrong? Surely you recognize that those must be her shoes?" Tempted 'The Governor'.
“I don't know..." D.J. Ray-Ray muttered. The 'brogans' were women's sized... They could be hers... After all, Little Happiness wasn't no 'slouch'.
What I mean to say is, It was very well known by all that Little Happiness was never one to shy away from putting in a hard day's 'work'...
So, D.J. Ray-Ray thought those shoes could be hers...
But... Wait a minute... Mmm...
No. No, they wasn't at all Little Happiness shoes;
they couldn't be, D.J. Ray-Ray finally decided for: though they were 'work-shoes' those 'brogans' there were stiff and clean like they was right off the shelf and just out of the box. Obviously, those 'work-shoes' had never seen a lick of 'work'!
“...Naw, man! Them ain't Little Happiness shoes either!" D.J. Ray-Ray turned squarely toward 'The Governor'. He saw that 'The Governor' was sweatin' some major '.9 mil bullets'. 'The Governor' tried to play off his nervousness, wiping his forehead with a hanky as he spoke these words,
“My my, isn't it hot in here? Ahem... D.J. Ray-Ray, I-I, well, I honestly don't remember where I put Little Happiness' shoes. Perhaps, if you don't mind, you ought go ask my secretary... Heh, heh, heh... She knows my business better than I do! You can find her on the first floor, right next to the security offi-- I mean, the bathroom..." 'The Governor' pointed at the trap door.
He was hiding something.
D.J. Ray-Ray could sense it.
'The Governor' looked very awkward, there in his chair one hand gripping the armrest as the other patted his face with the handkerchief... There, between the halves of his desk and that odd and very telling floor to ceiling portrait of himself... There, looking like a school boy whose secret was dangerously close to being discovered... And what was up with that floor to ceiling portrait? Why did it seem so out of place? Hmmm... If there was a door to the south, and a door to the west, and a door to the north, shouldn't there be a door to the east?
“What's behind that portrait of yourself?"
“What portrait? Of who?"
“That portrait! The one behind you! The only one in the room!"
“Oh... Oh yes, of course --heh heh-- that portrait. What makes you think there's anything behind there?"
“Let's just call it a hunch... Stand up and step aside!" D.J. Ray-Ray commanded. 'The Governor' was hesitant,
“Please, D.J. Ray-Ray, hear me when I say you ought to go ask my secretary where the shoes are. You know, I do believe I remember giving them to her to put away for me." D.J. Ray-Ray knew 'The Governor' was hiding something. Might that odd and very telling floor to ceiling portrait be hiding another door? Looking at 'The Governor', D.J. Ray-Ray noticed something about him that was even odder than the portrait: It was the way 'The Governor' was sitting… He sat in an obviously very uncomfortable fashion on the edge of his chair with his feet crossed and awkwardly hidden underneath. D.J. Ray-Ray told 'The Governor' again,
“Stand up!" 'The Governor refused, giving as an excuse,
“Please, I'd rather keep sitting... Bad back don't you know."
“Stand up."
“I would, D.J. Ray-Ray, but these knees of mine..."
“Stand up!"
“D.J. Ray-Ray, please, I twisted my ankle just the other day..."
“Why you keep tryin' me?" D.J. Ray-Ray warned making a threatening show of that 12inch, which was, by the way, and very coincidentally, the classic extended dance version of "The Agony of D' Feet" by Parliament/Funkadelic. And, speaking of, it was the very real agony of his own feet, not to mention the 'embarrassment' at the cause of his feet's 'agony', that 'The Governor' was so reluctant to stand. Faced however with the threat of that 'dangerous' 12inch, and D.J. Ray Ray's obvious determination, 'The Governor finally and slowly brought his 'agonizing' feet out from under the chair and stood with some awkwardness and great pain...
D.J. Ray-Ray's first reaction to what he saw caused him to guff and chortle at 'The Governor's' ridiculous appearance. He couldn't help it. 'The Governor' standing there like that, looking so comical in a pair of girls shoes that were obviously way too small for his big ol' feets!
But, wait! Was those... No, they couldn't be... But, but, but... They had to be! Those were Little Happiness' shoes!!
The fool! How dare he??
“Take 'em off!!!" D.J. Ray-Ray ordered with some authority. To the great sadness of his ego, but the great, great relief of his feets, 'The Governor' took off the shoes.
“..Now step aside!" D.J. Ray-Ray told 'The Governor' who sheepishly did as he was bid. D.J. Ray-Ray walked over and picked up Little Happiness' shoes that were awfully stretched and distorted way out of shape almost beyond recognition of ever having belonged to the ghetto princess. -And, Whoo!! Daaammnnn!!! Who opened the door to that warehouse of stale and moldy sour cream and vinegar flavored Frito Lay corn chips?!
D.J. Ray-Ray almost fainted from the funkiest result of what had to be the most lewd and gross accumulation of 'toe-jam' known to man!!
D.J. Ray-Ray's heart sunk into despair. How could he return those shoes to Little Happiness? He couldn't. Those shoes were oh so obviously no longer hers. As the absurd reality of the situation solidified in his mind, anger flared in his heart. D.J. Ray-Ray turned toward 'The Governor' with that 12inch at the ready. Just a flick of the wrist... But: D.J. Ray-Ray experienced his anger abate just as it reached the gates of blind rage. Pity flooded into his being.
How could it not? If you saw 'The Governor', there, as he was, void of all pretense and sham, there upon his knees, fo'head on the flo'boards, enveloped by the stinging light of the truth, revealing every 'pretentious bit' of his ephemeral 'something-that-was-no-real-thing', giving him nowhere to hide, and nowhere to turn,
-but towards Mercy and Forgiveness...
Well, I suppose you'd have a hard time feeling anything but a bellyful of pity also. And, if you had a lick o' Virtue, as has our D.J. Ray-Ray, I imagine you'd might even experience a bit of 'Compassion' toward our poor, poor 'Governor'.
D.J. Ray-Ray put that 12inch back in its sleeve in his bag, opened the trapdoor and silently exited the room and the 'mansion' itself.
When he made it back to the hood, it was deep into the night. The celestial chorus of lights in the sky which normally filled D.J. Ray-Ray with awe and wonder, had this night only the stale twinkle of so much broken glass; that oh so banal and common a sight on the streets of his hood.
As he was very depressed and despondent, D.J. Ray-Ray could do naught but amble about the ghetto, lost in a mire of dire feelings and troubled thoughts over Little Happiness not having any shoes to attend Mayor Magnanimous' really big 'block party' in proper fashion, and, because of that, her being banished, maybe even forever, from the Great City of Ors itself.
Finally, he arrived at the apartment of the ghetto princess. It took even more courage for D.J. Ray-Ray to face Little Happiness and tell her of the sad ending of his adventure and of the unfortunate fate of her shoes than it had to begin his quest to get them back.
Little Happiness took the news with noble resignation. Seeing how the brow of D.J. Ray-Ray was furrowed with lines of lamentation, obviously for her, and how tired and famished he was, she became more concerned about him and his welfare than about her own gloomy fate.
Even though the really big 'block-party' was to begin with the very next sunrise, and she had not any shoes to properly attend, the ghetto princess was concerned only for D.J. Ray-Ray. Yea, had he not been brave and virtuous enough to employ his best faithful efforts to help her, whom he barely knew? So, she could not help but feel indebted to his honor and self-sacrifice.
She bade D.J. Ray-Ray to sit down while she right away went to the kitchen to make tea and fix up some hot potato leek soup and put together a couple of yummy avocado and jack cheese sandwiches.
After setting the humble meal before them, the ghetto princess Gave Thanks, and asked The Most High for their meal to be blessed, and, though full of doubt, she dared to wish for a miracle that somehow a pair of shoes might find their way to her so she could attend Mayor Magnanimous really big block-party in proper fashion and not have to be banished from the Great City.
D.J. Ray-Ray also Gave Thanks and asked The Most High for a blessing for their meal and wished too for a miracle; and also vowed that if Little Happiness were to be banished from the Great City, he would leave the Great City with her and protect her and help her meet any and all challenges and dangers that may arise from her unfortunate fate. They ate their meal in a somber silence ribboned softly with the subtle comfort of one another's company.
They were startled by a rhythmic rapping upon the door. Who could it be? At such a time? Little Happiness looked at the clock. It was 4:00 in the morning for goodness sakes! She arose and went to the door looked through the peep hole and saw this amazing and unusual sight...
A dude, in an impeccably tailored purple satin suit, a matching wide brim hat, tilted impeccably to the left, and which had a leopard print band, which matched his leopard print bowtie, and leopard print suspenders, which stood strikingly out from his impeccably crisp hot pink shirt, that had sterling silver buttons inlaid with mother of pearl. The brother had on purple patent leather shoes too, with leopard print spats that matched his suit and hatband and bowtie and suspenders. Very sparklely and oh so delightfully gaudy diamond rings impeccably graced the pinky fingers of both hands, and, in one of those hands was a mahogany cane impeccably carved with motifs of various African Spirits and with which he was rhythmically rapping upon the door. In his other hand was a package wrapped in purple wrapping paper that impeccably matched his suit and a bright hot pink bow that impeccably matched his shirt. Who in the world could this dude be? Little Happiness had never seen him before, though, there was something familiar about him, familiar in a 'Family' sort of way. He smiled a great wide smile with great white wide impeccably gapped teeth. She could not see his eyes for his spectacular funky diamond studded fun glasses, The impeccable dude spoke melodically through the door,
“Com'on girl, an' open this door! We ain't got all night! Sun gon' soon be up! Don't be actin' all shy, like you don't recognize!" The dude had a distinctive lisp to his speech and he delivered his words with a singing cadence that waved between light joy and thick seriousness, while leaving no doubt that the voice upon which those words flowed came from the heart of a Real Friend.
Little Happiness opened the door, and the dude impeccably sauntered right on in. They knew not yet why, but Little Happiness and D.J. Ray-Ray felt their spirits soar from the Grand Presence of this dude. They were speechless. The dude looked at D.J. Ray-Ray,
“Ooh girl! You just go on an' on with yo' lovely self!
Is this yo' date fo' th' prom? Just as han'som' as he wanna be! What's yo' name sir?"
“D.J. Ray-Ray." They shook firm but gentle hands. The dude looked back at Little Happiness and gave her a wink,
“Oh uh uh! An' he a D.J. too? Well, I shouldn't be at all surprised. I mean, good taste does just run all up down our family! Mmm hmm, just be oozin' on up from daddy's side, an' just a drippin' on down from momma's side!" This dudes Musical Speech and Impeccable Presence astonished and tickled Little Happiness. There was something about him that seemed almost too good to be true. She could not help but giggle as she asked,
“A-Are we... related?” the dude whipped his head around to face Little Happiness with his arms wide open,
“Are we related? Girl you still don't recognize? Of course we be related sugar... I mean...I am yo' Fairy God Father ain't I?!” The impeccable dude, who was indeed Little Happiness' 'Fairy God Father' smiled like the wide and bright full moon bidding her,
“Now stop playin' so shy and come give me a hug!" Little Happiness rushed in to his euphoric embrace.
...After a long, tight, warm, rapturous hug, her Fairy God Father stepped back and told Little Happiness to sit down. He knelt upon one knee, looked at his diamond studded watch, which kept impeccable time, looked deeply at his beloved god daughter and spoke so,
“Seein' as we ain't got much time, an' I dare not be late fo' my next appointment, let's get right to the business of why I'm here this early, early mornin'..." Her Fairy God Father forthwith handed her that package. “...This is for you!" Little Happiness nervously and with clumsy excitement began unwrapping her package. She and D.J. Ray-Ray, breaths in expectant abatement, felt their hearts simultaneously rise to the upper most parts of their chests when she finally got to the box underneath the wrapping and removed the lid... Oh my Good, Good, Good and Great God! They saw there an exquisite pair of crystal slippers! With emerald studded bows and pearl soles! They both were greatly astounded and speechless. Little Happiness began to swoon. D.J. Ray-Ray gently put his arm around her and held her steady. Crystal slippers! And they were for her! Can you imagine? She could attend the 'block-party' in grand style!
“...Oh yea, girl, only the best for my god daughter! Go 'head on and try 'em on! You gon' see they fit perfect, for, your heart is true an' pure an' you always keep yo' head proper on your shoulders!" Little Happiness put the slippers on and they did fit perfect. She marveled at her feet.
“...That's right, honey, they's made o' crystal 'cause you ain't got nuthin' to hide! So girl, I want you to let that light shine! You hear me? I want you to keep up the Family name and show up at that block-party in righteous style! An' you gon' take this young man with you right?" Little Happiness and D.J. Ray-Ray looked bashfully, but also knowingly and expectantly, at one another,
“...Ain't y'all cute!" the Fairy God Father remarked. They all laughed and fell into a spontaneous three-way hug. Little Happiness' Fairy God Father broke off the hug abruptly,
“Ooh I wish I could stay an' see you at that block-party, but, lest I be late, I gots to go... A cousin o' yours on your momma's uncle's auntie's baby sister's side got some troubles o' his own, 'n' needs be that go do what I do best, an' put these helpin' hands o' mine to some mo' honest work! Bye Bye! Y'all stay sweet now!" And like a brisk breeze between winter and spring, Little Happiness' Fairy God Father grabbed his cane, tapped it thrice, spun impeccably around seven times and whisked out of the apartment, down the hall, down the stairs out the lobby through the streets, well on his Impeccable Fairy Way.
Well, as expected and duly anticipated, Mayor Magnanimous' magnanimous 'block-party' was a real smash. Everyone did attend, and no one was banished for lack of shoes. And Little Happiness did go with D.J. Ray-Ray, and they danced and danced and danced up and down all seven blocks for the whole three days, and, the ghetto princess did choose the D.J. for the one with whom she would, for the rest of her life, partner with, and enter into blessed union with, and face whatever Life and/or Fate and/or Destiny had in store for them. Their Blessed Union was duly blessed as such, for always and forever, by none other than Mayor Magnanimous himself, to the righteous delight of all who lived and loved in the Great City of Ors, most especially those who dwelt in the ghetto.
And so, as they tend to say, just here, in stories such as this:
They Lived very, very Large, and very, very Happily Ever After.
~~~
The Three Soldiers
From Da Hood
It so happened
that Mayor Magnanimous, Mayor of the Great City of Ors, at the peak of one of his magnanimous moods, decided to open up the City Treasury and throw a big 'party'. A really, really big 'block-party'. A 'block-party' that was going to be seven whole city blocks long and last for three whole days!
All and Everyone who lived in the Great City of Ors was to be invited; and, all and everyone invited was duly expected to attend: All the young and everyone of the old; Everyone of the rich and all the poor; All the big and everyone of the small; Everyone of the short and all the tall. It did not matter how one walked or how one talked. It did not matter the color of one's skin, or of one's faith or of one's creed. It did not matter if one was a boy or if one was a girl or if one was something 'in-between'. But, friends, I must here duly relate, that it did matter, and matter very, very much, that all who were to attend this magnanimous' 'block-party' had to have, upon both feet, lest they be expelled by Mayor Magnanimous' stern-and-not-so-magnanimous City Guardians, properly polished, properly laced, and properly fitting: 'shoes'.
(And, not only would Mayor Magnanimous' stern-and-not-so-magnanimous City Guardians expel those without properly polished, properly laced, and properly fitting 'shoes' from his really, really big block-party, but expel them even from the Great City itself!
Probably forever!)
It also so happened that in that neighborhood of the Great City known as the ghetto, there lived a poor in spirit but full in faith, very modest and quite chaste young lady whose name was Little Happiness.
All the folk who lived in the ghetto loved and adored Little Happiness; not only because she had a voice like fragrant ginger adorning warm island breezes; and not only because she had a smile like about a thousand golden morning sunrises; and not only because she had a way of walking upon the cold concrete as if it were a blanket of woodland moss and dove-down; and not only because she was beautiful from the inside out, instead of that other way 'round; but, because, most of all, Little Happiness, by her very presence, inspired folks with the real hope that with two hands-full of effort a dash of forbearing patience and a pinch of felicitating faith, better ways and better days were indeed possible to be had.
She was called by the all the folks of the ghetto who had the ability to 'recognize': "Our Ghetto Princess"
...And she was duly treated by them as such.
Though Little Happiness was of that age were one considers partnering and entering into blessed union with a 'significant other', she had not yet chosen from amongst her many hopeful suitors a partner with whom to love and share and bind her time with through all the worst and through all the best that life had to offer; that is: to journey, mindfully, in blessed union, right on through whatever life had to dish out, even unto death.
Of the great many suitors who hoped to love and share and bind their lives in blessed union with Little Happiness, there was one who in reality had no chance at all of entering into blessed partnership with the ghetto princess; for she loathed and was repulsed by him who called himself, and demanded all others to refer to him also as: 'The Governor'.
'The Governor' did not live in the Great City, but for his abode had a big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion' in a place he called 'The Big Capitol',
but most everyone else in the Great City who had a least a lick o' sense, called it:
T'ain't Nothin' Much If Anything At All;
-and, duly note, dear friends, that those folks who called it such did so only behind 'The Governor's' back, for he was powerful and ornery and mean and spiteful and not someone to get on the 'bad side' of.
I should also let you know, just in case you yourself happen to cross paths with him, there is only two ways to be on the 'good side' of 'The Governor': one is to bow down and straight up lie to his expectant face, lavishing him with all sorts of comments and complements about how he was all this and a lot of that and so much more of the other; and the second way to be on 'The Governor's 'good side' is to be well out of ear-shot and far, far beyond his narrow sight and even narrower mind!
Ah, dear friends, if only Little Happiness could be so lucky as to be out of 'The Governor's' sight and mind.
But alas, alas, alas, for a whole year and a half the ghetto princess found herself being pestered five or six days a week, five or six times a day by 'The Governor's' constant pitiful attempts to wine and dine and
straight up monkey-shine her.
Can you imagine? Offending that poor girl's eyes with his ugly ol' countenance, as he maliced her ears with maligned misrepresentations of his malignant intentions, all the while terrorizing her tender nostrils with his beastly bad breath?
Five or six times a week? For five or six times a day?
For a whole year and a half?
Now you know that is just way too much for anybody to have to put up with!
Well, being constantly pestered as she was, Little Happiness 'bout ran out of patience with 'The Governor', and on the fifth day before the really, really big 'block party', she told the Governor this:
"I have had it up to here with you! Pleeeeease leave me alone! I do not wish, never have wished, and shall not ever wish to be with you! Ever! Ever! Ever! Ever!
Go a-w-a-y-y-y! Now! Damn it! And don't come back!
I need some peace of mind to prepare for the really, really big block party, 'cause I need my whole attention to tend to the proper polishing of my shoes! I want to be looking fly at the block party for, tis then I shall choose the one with whom I wish to be with in this life.
...And it damn sho' ain't gon' be you!!"
No one had ever taken such a tone of voice and attitude with 'The Governor' before. No doubt everybody on the whole block must have heard the ghetto princess so soundly rebuke him. 'The Governor' was momentarily speechless. His cheeks went pale as his ears began waxing hot with embarrassment. All he could think about was the jeers and snickerings of Little Happiness' neighbors at his stone cold rejection. His fear of being pointed out and laughed at caused his temper to spark up and get to smoldering. It was quite out of character for Little Happiness to express herself such, but the ghetto princess had had it up to the yin-yang. Even still, she thought to apologize, but, before she could, 'The Governor's' wounded pride fanned his smoldering temper right up into flames of raging anger. Gritting his teeth, he roughly and rudely pushed Little Happiness down to the floor and snatched her 'shoes'!
"You don't want to be with be with me!? Well, who's gon' want to be with you when you show up at the block party with no shoes?!" And, with her 'shoes' in hand, 'The Governor' hurricaned out of the apartment, just a whirlin' and a huffin' and puffin' and knockin' down and blowin' over any and everybody who had the misfortune of being in his blustering way, even children, pregnant women and old folks! He got in his insanely large hummer limousine telling his chauffeur to shut up and put the pedal to the metal and take him straight to his big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion' at the 'Big Capitol'.
What was Little Happiness to do? The Governor had her only pair of shoes! How could she show up to the really, really big block party without shoes? She could not stay home when that day came, for Mayor Magnanimous decreed that all had to attend his really, really big 'block party' but, if she attended without 'shoes' she'd be banished by the Mayor from the Great City! Oh woe was Little Happiness. Curled up on the floor she just covered her face and cried, and cried, and cried.
Now you know how folks like to talk, so, spreading like crab-grass through manure, gossip tentacled its way throughout the ghetto and all who lived in those parts of the Great City soon came to know of what terrible misfortune had befallen Little Happiness.
This sad news also reached three young men who were hopeful suitors of Little Happiness: two microphone masters and a D.J., who belonged to one of the many clans of the 'Hip-Hop Nation', and who called themselves:
The Three Soldiers from Da Hood.
The microphone masters were: M.C. Love Handles and M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot; ...and the D.J. was:
Ray-Ray the Imperturbable.
As soon as the Three Soldiers from the Hood heard this terrible news, they went immediately to the apartment of Little Happiness. They each vowed to her that they would trek straightway to 'The Governor's 'mansion' and, no matter the risk, get the ghetto princess her shoes back. They all three fully understood it would be a dangerous undertaking, for 'The Governor's' 'mansion' was full of deceitful traps, and many who entered therein, were never to be seen again. But the Three Soldiers from Da Hood, full of 'noble enough faith', committed themselves to take the risk anyway. Besides, who knows? Just maybe the ghetto princess might choose one of them to be with for life.
Lest they all fall at the same time into one of 'The Governor's' sinister traps, the Three Soldiers from Da Hood thought it best to trek to 'The Governor's' big ol' custom built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion' one at a time.
M.C. Love Handles went first...
When M.C. Love Handles arrived, he saw that the front door to 'The Governor's' 'mansion' was wide open. He thought it strange. Was his arrival expected? Rubbing his rather rotund gut and summoning his courage M.C. Love Handles stepped right on up to the veranda and over the threshold and boldly into the 'mansion'. There in the ornate foyer were a spiral stairway leading up and into darkness; a zig-zag stairway leading down and into darkness; and a long hallway leading straight ahead into darkness.
"Now if I was to hide somebody's shoes, I'd hide 'em in the basement!" M.C. Love Handles thought to himself, and so chose to follow the stairway which lead down and into darkness.
It tested his nerve, that darkness, but, rubbing his rather rotund gut for courage, M.C. Love Handles kept right on step after step 'till he reached the bottom. Should he now go left or right? He knew not. At least not until a melody of enticing aromas tickled their way into is nostrils. His gut growled. M.C. Love Handles decided to listen to his gut and follow those aromas. He extended his hands out into the darkness and groped his way 'till he came to a wall. He followed the wall 'till he came to a door. Finding the doorknob, he opened the door: A bright light stung his eyes but after a moment they adjusted and M.C. Love Handles saw a richly decorated and extravagant banquet hall!
In the middle of this banquet hall was a very long and wide and richly decorated banquet table, lavishly adorned with all sorts of extravagant foods: Appetizers and entrees and desserts of all kinds, enticingly arrayed upon platter after platter and plate after plate and bowl after bowl made of gold and silver and fine porcelain. It was a real super smorgasbord and hungry man's paradise.
(Or so it seemed to M.C. Love Handles, who by the way, was always hungry!)
He saw there platters of bar-b-qued ribs and roasted roasts; deep bowls of collard greens and mustard greens and turnip greens; cornbread and hush-puppies; sweet potato pie and cheese cake and german chocolate cake; fried chicken and fried fish and gumbo and grilled pork chops and macaroni salad and potato salad and ceasar salad. There was bunches and bunches of grapes and bowl after bowl of cherries, saucers with pineapple slices and goo-gobs of cranberry sauce; there was apricot jams and mango jellys. There were peaches and nectarines and mad sweet dark purple juicy plums; there was neapolitan ice cream and champagne sherbet, hot apple pie and warm peach cobbler; there was buttered string beans and buttered sweet peas, and buttered mashed potatoes; white rice, brown rice and wild rice; macaroni and cheese too, and black-eyed peas and dressing and gravy. There was burritos and sushi and spaghetti and Jamaican curry, and Indian curry, and Burmese curry, and much, much more!
And, also, right there, right in the middle of it all was Little Happiness's shoes! But, as his eyes had been hijacked by his expectant taste buds and hungry gut, don't you know M.C. Love Handles failed to notice those shoes?!
Barely able to contain himself he ran droolin' to the banquet table. He started to dig in, but, he hesitated. Despite his excitement, he remembered where he was and it occurred to him that this could be a trap. He felt he ought turn right 'round and leave. Just then, seemingly out of nowhere, a tall lean butler with a friendly smile but eyes wicked slick appeared,
"Welcome Master Love Handles, welcome! Please, help yourself to any good thing that you see, and have as much of that good thing as you want!" M.C. Love Handles was tempted but still hesitant.
"I don't know... This might be a trap..."
"A trap? Nonsense Master Love Handles. Does it look like a trap?" M.C. Love Handles let his eyes take in all those fancy culinary delights just a steaming and glistening with deliciousness...
"Naw... But don't it be lookin' hecka good though..."
"Does it smell like a trap Master Love Handles?" M.C. Love Handles took a deep breath, receiving the chorus of enticing aromas through flaring nostrils.
"Ooooh no... But don't it be smellin' hecka good though..."
"Here, Master Love Handles, have a bite of this... See if it tastes like a trap." The butler offered M.C. Love Handles a fork full of warm peach cobbler,
"Mmmmm... Ah yea! But don't it be tastin' hecka tasty though!"
"Heh heh heh, ...So, you like Master Love Handles? Why not have another bite?"
"Well, just one mo' bite ain't gon' hurt..." and M.C. Love Handles had just one mo' bite o' that cobbler, actually not just one mo' bite, but another and another and another 'till it was all gone!
"Now, Master Love Handles, you must try the fried chicken..."
"I guess one mo' bite ain't gon' hurt!" And M.C. Love Handles had one mo', and one mo' and one mo' bite 'till that chicken was all gone!"
"And here, have some gumbo!"
"I guess one mo' bite aint gon' hurt..."
"How about some of this lovely macaroni and cheese?"
"I guess one mo' bite aint gon' hurt..."
"Look at this sweet potato pie Master Love Handles, it has your name all over it!"
"I guess one mo' bite aint gon' hurt..."
-And so on and so forth, M.C. Love Handles kept on one mo' bittin', finishin' off plate after plate and bowl after bowl 'till he swolle-up so much those 'love handles' of his was touchin' the floor! M.C. Love Handles was so full and heavy, he could no longer move!
Full as a tick 'n' fit'n' t' bust he was! …Aw man y'all!
-He was trapped!- In his own gluttonous fat!
With those wicked eyes just a gleaming, the butler, with a rather long Bar-B-Que fork in one hand, and a rather sharp carving knife in the other, slowly approached M.C. Love Handles...
...Sadly, my friends, that was the end of that!
M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot was the next Soldier from the Hood to venture to 'The Governor's' 'Mansion' to try and retrieve the shoes of Little Happiness the ghetto princess. He too, upon arriving found the front door wide open as if he were expected. He too thought it strange, but M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot yanked his crotch to summon up his courage, and pimped on up onto the veranda and over the threshold. He saw the stairs that spiraled up and into darkness, the stairs zig-zaging down and into darkness, the hallway straight ahead into darkness. Considering himself to be a ‘straight forward fellow’, he decided to follow that hallway.
Deep into that darkness, M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot heard and felt the throbbing vibration of disco dance music. He followed the throbbing beat, groping around till he came to a door. Finding the handle he opened it and stepped through.
M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot found himself in a great disco dance hall. Disco lights whirled and flashed in psychedelic patterns of reds and purples and greens and yellows, a strobe light pulsed hypnotically as a fog machine filled the hall with copious amounts of disco fog. A huge mirrored disco ball refracted swirling bits of light in dizzying circular patterns across the floor and walls.
Because the music and decor was so old school, funky, but way out of style, M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot found it suspicious and thought it might be a trap. He turned to leave but stopped when he saw, there in the middle of the disco dance floor, Little Happiness' shoes! He ran towards, but, to his surprise, between he and the shoes there materialized, very enticingly, right out of the disco fog, a devious disco 'diva'! She had big hair, and she had heavy make-up and she wore a loud and shiny and tight fitting, very revealing hoochie-momma disco outfit.
Because of the flashing lights and disco fog M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot couldn't really tell how 'pretty' this devious disco 'diva' was, if she was 'pretty' at all, but, that didn't matter to him for he could tell she was very 'freaky-deaky' and, lord a mercy! –didn’t she have beau coup booty!!
"Don't you want to play with me Master Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot?" she asked in a sultry, inviting voice. She turned her backside towards M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot and 'backed it on up'. M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot said,
"Damn girl, don't you got mad donk! Welllll, I am a playa ain't I? I guess one dance ain't go hurt! C'mon girl, back that donkey booty on up!"
Another devious disco 'diva' materialized out of the disco fog and who had even mo' booty than the first!
"Don't you want to play with me too Master Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot?"
"Well, I am a playa ain't I? Turn it on 'round and back it on up!"
And another devious disco 'diva' with even mo' booty materialized out of the disco fog,
"What about me, Master Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot, don't you want to play with me too?"
"Aw girl what can I say--what, can, I, ssayyy? I am a playa ain't I? C'mon turn it on 'round and back it on up!"
And another and another and another devious disco 'diva' each with mo' booty than the last materialized out of the disco fog. M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot was beside himself as more and more devious donkey booty disco 'divas' materialized out of the disco fog, turned it around, and backed it on up! Surrounded by all that gyratin', shakin' an' vibratin' devious disco 'diva' booty,
M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot raised his hands and started shoutin' out,
"Heeyyy! Hoooo! I'm the greatest playa in the world don't you know! Heeyyy! Hoooo! I'm the greatest playa in the world don't you know! Heeyyy! Hoooo! I'm the... Wait! Wait! Hold up! Hold up! Wait! Get off me! Y'all got to get up off me! Oh... Oh God! Wait! No! Help! Help! (gasp) Somebody help! Too much... (pant wheeze) too... much... too... (cough) much... boo... ty... Cain't (gasp) breathe... Help! I cain't (hack gasp) breathe... Ya'll drownin me! Somebody... please... hel---*
Hoo boy my friends, what can I say? Too bad and oh so sad. Man, what a way to go out. Eckh! Death by booty suffocation! Poor M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot, got trapped playin' a lil' too much and...
Sadly, that was the end of that!
Now it was D.J. Ray-Ray's turn to try and retrieve Little Happiness' shoes. Before setting off, he grabbed his custom shoulder bag that held his prized classic 12inch vinyl records and which, by the way, back in the day, every D.J. worth the title had to have on hand in order to: 'get it started', as is said, and, at the proper time, to: 'raise the roof', as is said also, before: 'burning down the house', as us old school folks may be still prone to say. When D.J. Ray-Ray arrived at 'The Governor's' big ol'; custom built super-duper funky-fly 'Mansion' he too saw the front door wide open as if he were expected, but, D.J. Ray-Ray entered not therein; knowing well that traps awaited him, he went around to the back searching for a way to
'sneak in'.
Darting from tall hedge to tall hedge, D.J. Ray-Ray made his way to the back of the 'mansion'. He was very surprised by what he saw there. First of all, there was the 'astonishing' fact that 'The Governor's' big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion', though it seemed very funky and fly from the front, was not at all so from the back. Well, it was funky alright, and it had its flies for sure, yea, them same flies that buzz about the all too funky hindquarters of that proverbial 'bull'. And, secondly, D.J. Ray-Ray saw that 'The Governor's' back yard was nothing like the well 'manicured' front yard, rather the back yard was just a jungle of thirsty thorny ‘bushes’, thistlely prickly ‘weeds’, and twisting entangling ‘tares’.
“Tch, the Governor just be frontin'!" D.J. Ray-Ray thought to himself when he saw the rundown decrepit shanty reality of 'The Governor's' big ol' custom-built super-duper funky-fly 'mansion'. He looked for a way to enter and spied the back door. And just then it opened! Two servants exited, carrying a stretcher with a body upon it. They carried the body a ways into the back yard and dumped it. They walked back to the 'mansion' and with much strain and struggle brought out another very large body, which they dumped next to the other. Wiping his brow, the one servant said to his fellow,
“Whew! That's a heavy one! I'm tired let's bury them later. They won’t be noticed. No one ever comes out here." His companion readily agreed and the two returned to the mansion.
D.J. Ray-Ray had an uneasy feeling about those bodies. He snuck over to where the bodies lay and saw what he was afraid to see. They were the bodies of his home boys M.C. Love Handles and M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot!
Anger filled D.J. Ray-Ray's head, sadness filled his heart, and fear filled his gut. He was sad that his homeboy's were dead, angry that their bodies had been treated so ignominiously, and afraid that something of the same might happen to him. He took a moment to pray...
“Lord, I hope you find it in your Will to grant the souls of my friends peace... But I guess that's really up to the way they lived before they died...
“An' Lord, I hope this ain't too much to ask, but, I wish I knew how they was livin' before they died, that is to say, how they was trapped, for I know fo' sho' traps of the same sort or even worse awaits me inside the Governor's mansion, an' into which I gots to go, 'cause, I don't know and doubt very much if anyone else will...
“An' Lord, you know Little Happiness gots to have her shoes back, an' Lord, it is my intention, my resolute determination, Lord, no matter the risk, to get 'em back for her!" After praying such D.J. Ray-Ray sat in silence.
He was startled by the movement of one of the dead bodies! It was the body of M.C. Love Handles, and who spoke such to a very surprised and thoroughly bewildered D.J. Ray-Ray,
“Oh, D.J. Ray-Ray, my beloved home boy... Awake and beware! Awake and beware! Awake and beware! And hear you thisss... Hear you thisss! ...The Lord has ssseen fit, and duly decided to anssswer your prayer, D.J. Ray-Ray, so hear you thisss:
“Though they were right before my greedy eyesss, I sssaw not the ssshoesss of Little Happinessss but only the desssirousss objectsss of my gluttonousss appetite... Only the desssirousss objectsss of my gluttonousss appetite!. Yea, I sssaw well my sssensuousss wantsss; I sssaw not the Real Need... The Real Need I sssaw not! Yea, I sssaw... And I sssaw not! Wide of eye I wasss and filled wasss I with the wanton desssire thereof... Oh how blind, how blind, how blind I wasss! Hearken D.J. Ray-Ray! Hear my lament! Woe now am I! Woe now am I! Lasssting virtue have I lossst! Lamentation and ssshame eternal have I gained!
Oh woe now am I, lossst and without hope... Lossst and without hope! For my chance is gone... For my chance is gone... Gone is my chance! Consssumed! Utterly consssumed by mercilessss Master Time, never to return again! Never to return again!
“D.J. Ray-Ray! Let thy sssight belong to thy Reason, oh home boy, to thy Conssscience and thy Remembrance!
D.J. Ray-Ray! To thine Highessst be thou true! To thine Highessst be thou true! ...May my sssad fate be not fated for you! To thine Highessst, oh home boy, be thou true!!!"
So spoke the corpse of M.C. Love Handles, after which became once again, and forever more, still.
Then stirred the dead body of M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot and who spoke such to D.J. Ray-Ray,
“Ahhhhhhh! Woe unto meee! Seee what has become my lot! Hearken Oh D.J. Ray-Ray! Listen and take heeed! Fortunate art theee... And oh woe is meee! Woe is meee! ...But, fortune still awaits theee... For thou still breeathes, and with eeeach breath possibilitieees! Woe and alas... Alas and woe, no more for meee... No more for meee!
“D.J. Ray-Ray, my home boy true, fortunate are you for the Lord has heard your prayer and has bid my corpse answer and tell my terrible fate that thou mayest avoid it and keeep to the Way True...
“I saw, D.J. Ray-Ray, I saw the shoes of Little Happiness, yet I saw them not... Blinded! Blinded! Blinded was I by lust overwhelming, blinded was I by passion run amok! I chose pleasure my home boy, personal pleasure over Duty Divine, and sacrificed my best for lust of the flesh!
Look! D.J. Ray-Ray! Look thou, and seee... What has become of meeee! Shame and lamentation... Lamentation and shame! Seee D.J. Ray-Ray what has become of my game... Seee what has become of my Mac Daddy Playa claim to fame! Naught and nothing! Nothing and naught! Would that I'd done what I ought! But now too late! My time is past and done! Oh Woe and alas... Alas and woe... Master Time has snatched away my chance... Snatched away my game... Never shall my chance come ever again... Never, for meee, ever again!
“But for theee... Oh but for theee D.J. Ray-Ray! 'Tis not too late! ...To thine Highest, be thou true! ...To thine Highest be thou true! Maintain! Maintain! Maintain! Victorious be thine Virtue!
“Yea, D.J. Ray-Ray whilst thou still breeathes... To thine Highest be thou true! ...Lest you end like meee... Lest you end like meee... Lest you end like meeeeeeeeeeee!"
And the voice of M.C. Mac Daddy Play-A-Lot faded away and his body became corpse once more and forever.
D.J. Ray-Ray thought to bury the bodies of his home boys proper but a voice whispered him to leave the dead to be buried by the dead, and to forthrightly continue to his self-appointed task. He crept therefore up to the 'mansion' and tried the back door, but it was shut fast and locked tight, as were each and every window. He looked up and down the whole building over, trying to find a way to sneak in but found none.
He came around again to the front and stood before the open front door. D.J. Ray-Ray rubbed his palms together, summoned his courage and stepped through into the foyer. He saw the stairs leading down and into darkness, and the hallway straight ahead leading into darkness and the spiral stairs leading up and into darkness. He smelled the enticing aromas and heard the pulsing music, but, D.J. Ray-Ray also heard the voices of his dead homeboys echoing in his mind,
“To thine Highest be thou true..."
So, D.J. Ray-Ray chose the stairs which spiraled up and into darkness...
Step by step he ascended, experiencing with each step that strange mix of determination and trepidation…
Up and up and up, slowly, carefully feeling his way, step after step after step after step...
When would it end? Onward and upward climbed he 'till, finally, a sliver of light became discernible…
As D.J. Ray-Ray’s eyes adjusted, he realized the light came from a gap in the ceiling. It was a trapdoor! The spiral stairs led directly to it. Climbing the last few stairs, he ventured to push up the trapdoor and peek into what was a circular room. The square trapdoor was cut into the middle of its floor. He saw in the curving wall a door straight ahead of him, which was directly west. He looked left, which was directly south, and saw another door. He looked right, which was directly north, and saw another door. Closed the doors were and the room quiet. Was the room empty? He pushed the trap door all the way open and stepped up and into the large circular room.
Upon turning around, D.J. Ray-Ray saw that the round room was not empty! There, quite a ways off center, sitting in a high back leather chair behind his ornately carved solid oak desk, staring right at him, was...
'The Governor'!
…Behind 'The Governor', directly East, was not a door, as D.J. Ray-Ray expected, but an odd and to him seemingly out of place, but very telling, floor to ceiling portrait of... well of course: 'The Governor' his self-righteous self.
D.J. Ray-Ray and 'The Governor' stared at one another for some moments. Noting that it was just the two of them, D.J. Ray-Ray slowly closed the trap door and stood squarely upon it to prevent any of 'The Governor's' 'henchmen' from coming through behind him. After a long, thick, heavy and wary silence, 'The Governor' spoke,
“Who, are you?"
“I, am D.J. Ray-Ray."
“Have we an appointment?"
“Yea, we got a appointment,"
‘The Governor' raised an eyebrow. D.J. Ray-Ray raised an eyebrow. 'The Governor' reached into his inner suit pocket. D.J. Ray-Ray reached into his shoulder bag. The tension in the room was as thick as refrigerated peanut butter... 'The Governor' slowly pulled out his 'blackberry'. D.J. Ray-Ray remained tense and ready, his hand still in his shoulder bag...' The Governor turned on his 'blackberry' and scrolled through his appointments,
“D.J. Ray-Ray you say? What a cute name. Funny, D.J. Ray Ray, I don't see your name here,"
“But I'm here just the same ain't I?" The Governor' slowly put his 'blackberry' upon the desk. He didn't like D.J. Ray-Ray's 'attitude', his eyes narrowed into slits of suspicion,
“What business have you, here, with me, D.J. Ray-Ray? Do you know who I am?"
“Who you is, is one thang, and who you think you is, is another thang, an' I ain't gon' concern myself with either! Look here, what's important is I know who I am, and, who I am is the one who's here to get Little Happiness her shoes back! Now, I know you got 'em..." D.J. Ray-Ray squinted his eyes right back at 'The Governor' while the hand in his bag fingered a 12inch, “...So give em' up!"
'The Governor' wary of whatever might be in that shoulder bag of D.J. Ray Ray's, let out a sly chuckle,
“Relax, D.J. Ray-Ray. Look, I know you can handle yourself, else you wouldn't have come here alone, but do relax, relaaxxx; if we don't start any trouble,
there shan't be any trouble.
You say you're after some shoes? And these shoes belong to Little who?"
“Little Happiness!" D.J. Ray-Ray growled, not letting his guard down for a second,
“Never heard of her."
“Yea right! You only been tryin' to get at her for a whole year an' a half!"
“Oohhh, you mean that Little Happiness? Shouldn't we call her 'Little Slut'? I mean, how do you think I ended up with her shoes in the first place?" To hear Little Happiness insulted such made D.J. Ray-Ray so mad, he whipped out a 12inch remix of the classic club 'anthem' known as "The Message" by Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five, and with a motion of the wrist faster than the eye could follow, flicked it sending it through the air spinning at such a rate it sawed right through 'The Governor's' solid oak desk!
“I didn't come here to play!" D.J. Ray-Ray warned,
"...I came to get Little Happiness' shoes back! Give em' up! Now!"
“Whoa, temper, temper D.J. Ray-Ray, temper, temper..."
'The Governor wasn't at all expecting such a surprising move. Having duly received and fully understood D.J. Ray-Ray's 'message', 'The Governor' became nervous, and 'ill at ease'. Ordinarily, he would've buzzed the buzzer installed in his desk for just such 'emergency situations' and his 'henchmen' would've come a running to his aid; but now that his desk was sawed in half, don't think that buzzer was going to work. Still, 'The Governor' maintained his 'cool' and wasn't about to give in to the demand for the return of Little Happiness' shoes, at least not without first trying a 'trick' or two. 'The Governor' told D.J. Ray-Ray,
“...Yes, yes, of course, those shoes... Mmmm, where did I put them? ...Oh yes I believe they're behind that door."
D.J. Ray-Ray looked warily around the circular room.
“Which door?"
“That one there I believe." 'The Governor' pointed to the door directly south. D.J. Ray-Ray pulled a 12inch out and held it at the ready. Not taking his eyes off 'The Governor', he stepped over to the door. With his free hand he turned the knob and swung the door open as he jumped nimbly to the side in expectation of a 'trick'...
There was a 'trick', but not one such as D.J. Ray-Ray expected. 'The Governor' smirked. There, on the other side of the doorway was a pair of shoes. Now, D.J. Ray-Ray didn't know exactly what Little Happiness shoes looked like, as he had never met her up close, having only worshiped her from afar; but he was doggone sure the shoes he was looking at wasn't at all hers.
And they weren't. Nope. No way! For, those shoes that
D.J. Ray-Ray saw there were very big and very long and very red and very stereotypical: 'clown-shoes'!
D.J. Ray-Ray looked at 'The Governor' with viperous eyes,
“Oh you you tryin' to be funny huh!? Them ain't Little Happiness' shoes!"
“They're not? Don't they look like her shoes?”
“I don't know what they look like, but I know those ain't them!"
“If you don't know what Little Slut --excuse me-- I mean, Little Happiness' shoes look like, how can you say those aren't hers, I mean, don't they look like they might fit?" D.J. Ray-Ray held up that 12inch,
“I wouldn't be tryin' to be so funny if I was you..."
“Oh come now D.J. Ray-Ray, a little fun every now and then doesn't hurt... Relax, let me think a moment... Ah yes, that door there... I believe that's where I put them."
D.J. Ray-Ray went to the door directly west, swinging it open while jumping to the side in the same fashion as he had done with the first door. 'The Governor' smirked again. What was there was a pair of high heeled pointy toed 'dress-shoes', (and it was hard to tell which was pointier, the toes or the high heels.) It didn't take long for D.J. Ray-Ray to figure out that those 'dress-shoes' didn't belong to Little Happiness either; her name is Little Happiness after all, and no way could any sane person be called 'happy' if they was to, for whatever 'reason' or 'special occasion', degrade their self-respect by subjecting their feet, ankles, knees, hips... Hell, their whole skeletal alignment to straight up torture by wearing such wicked contraptions; obviously designed by some sadistic misogynous gay man calling himself a 'designer' and who dare not admit to himself that he suffers from 'venus-envy', and is actually under the insane impression that he doing women some kind of fashionable 'favor'.
(Now, we can't give our sadistic-misogynous-gay-man 'designer' all the blame, can we, for: don't the women who wear his 'designs' do so by their own choice? Ah! Can anyone tell me why? I honestly don't get it. Oh, their poor, poor toes! How do the women who wear such obvious wickedness on their feet just ignore what must be the incessant squealing of their 'desperate little piggies' -just a crying out all evening long, "OwWee! OwWee! OwWee! Never mind the market, and the roast beef, please take us all all the way home! Now! So we can be set free and soak our troubles away in a hot mineral bath!”)
“Them ain't her shoes either! No way! Little Happiness ain't crazy!" D.J. Ray-Ray exclaimed upon refection,
“D.J. Ray-Ray! Are you sure?" D.J. Ray-Ray held up the 12inch again. "...Yes, right, I guess you're sure. ...Ummm, why don't you try that door there... Yes, I'm sure that's where I put them.”
D.J. Ray-Ray, not one to let his guard down, went to that door that was directly north and swung it open and jumping to the side fearing a trap. No trap. Only a pair of 'brogans'. D.J. Ray-Ray studied them; he was hesitant.
“What? What's wrong? Surely you recognize that those must be her shoes?" Tempted 'The Governor'.
“I don't know..." D.J. Ray-Ray muttered. The 'brogans' were women's sized... They could be hers... After all, Little Happiness wasn't no 'slouch'.
What I mean to say is, It was very well known by all that Little Happiness was never one to shy away from putting in a hard day's 'work'...
So, D.J. Ray-Ray thought those shoes could be hers...
But... Wait a minute... Mmm...
No. No, they wasn't at all Little Happiness shoes;
they couldn't be, D.J. Ray-Ray finally decided for: though they were 'work-shoes' those 'brogans' there were stiff and clean like they was right off the shelf and just out of the box. Obviously, those 'work-shoes' had never seen a lick of 'work'!
“...Naw, man! Them ain't Little Happiness shoes either!" D.J. Ray-Ray turned squarely toward 'The Governor'. He saw that 'The Governor' was sweatin' some major '.9 mil bullets'. 'The Governor' tried to play off his nervousness, wiping his forehead with a hanky as he spoke these words,
“My my, isn't it hot in here? Ahem... D.J. Ray-Ray, I-I, well, I honestly don't remember where I put Little Happiness' shoes. Perhaps, if you don't mind, you ought go ask my secretary... Heh, heh, heh... She knows my business better than I do! You can find her on the first floor, right next to the security offi-- I mean, the bathroom..." 'The Governor' pointed at the trap door.
He was hiding something.
D.J. Ray-Ray could sense it.
'The Governor' looked very awkward, there in his chair one hand gripping the armrest as the other patted his face with the handkerchief... There, between the halves of his desk and that odd and very telling floor to ceiling portrait of himself... There, looking like a school boy whose secret was dangerously close to being discovered... And what was up with that floor to ceiling portrait? Why did it seem so out of place? Hmmm... If there was a door to the south, and a door to the west, and a door to the north, shouldn't there be a door to the east?
“What's behind that portrait of yourself?"
“What portrait? Of who?"
“That portrait! The one behind you! The only one in the room!"
“Oh... Oh yes, of course --heh heh-- that portrait. What makes you think there's anything behind there?"
“Let's just call it a hunch... Stand up and step aside!" D.J. Ray-Ray commanded. 'The Governor' was hesitant,
“Please, D.J. Ray-Ray, hear me when I say you ought to go ask my secretary where the shoes are. You know, I do believe I remember giving them to her to put away for me." D.J. Ray-Ray knew 'The Governor' was hiding something. Might that odd and very telling floor to ceiling portrait be hiding another door? Looking at 'The Governor', D.J. Ray-Ray noticed something about him that was even odder than the portrait: It was the way 'The Governor' was sitting… He sat in an obviously very uncomfortable fashion on the edge of his chair with his feet crossed and awkwardly hidden underneath. D.J. Ray-Ray told 'The Governor' again,
“Stand up!" 'The Governor refused, giving as an excuse,
“Please, I'd rather keep sitting... Bad back don't you know."
“Stand up."
“I would, D.J. Ray-Ray, but these knees of mine..."
“Stand up!"
“D.J. Ray-Ray, please, I twisted my ankle just the other day..."
“Why you keep tryin' me?" D.J. Ray-Ray warned making a threatening show of that 12inch, which was, by the way, and very coincidentally, the classic extended dance version of "The Agony of D' Feet" by Parliament/Funkadelic. And, speaking of, it was the very real agony of his own feet, not to mention the 'embarrassment' at the cause of his feet's 'agony', that 'The Governor' was so reluctant to stand. Faced however with the threat of that 'dangerous' 12inch, and D.J. Ray Ray's obvious determination, 'The Governor finally and slowly brought his 'agonizing' feet out from under the chair and stood with some awkwardness and great pain...
D.J. Ray-Ray's first reaction to what he saw caused him to guff and chortle at 'The Governor's' ridiculous appearance. He couldn't help it. 'The Governor' standing there like that, looking so comical in a pair of girls shoes that were obviously way too small for his big ol' feets!
But, wait! Was those... No, they couldn't be... But, but, but... They had to be! Those were Little Happiness' shoes!!
The fool! How dare he??
“Take 'em off!!!" D.J. Ray-Ray ordered with some authority. To the great sadness of his ego, but the great, great relief of his feets, 'The Governor' took off the shoes.
“..Now step aside!" D.J. Ray-Ray told 'The Governor' who sheepishly did as he was bid. D.J. Ray-Ray walked over and picked up Little Happiness' shoes that were awfully stretched and distorted way out of shape almost beyond recognition of ever having belonged to the ghetto princess. -And, Whoo!! Daaammnnn!!! Who opened the door to that warehouse of stale and moldy sour cream and vinegar flavored Frito Lay corn chips?!
D.J. Ray-Ray almost fainted from the funkiest result of what had to be the most lewd and gross accumulation of 'toe-jam' known to man!!
D.J. Ray-Ray's heart sunk into despair. How could he return those shoes to Little Happiness? He couldn't. Those shoes were oh so obviously no longer hers. As the absurd reality of the situation solidified in his mind, anger flared in his heart. D.J. Ray-Ray turned toward 'The Governor' with that 12inch at the ready. Just a flick of the wrist... But: D.J. Ray-Ray experienced his anger abate just as it reached the gates of blind rage. Pity flooded into his being.
How could it not? If you saw 'The Governor', there, as he was, void of all pretense and sham, there upon his knees, fo'head on the flo'boards, enveloped by the stinging light of the truth, revealing every 'pretentious bit' of his ephemeral 'something-that-was-no-real-thing', giving him nowhere to hide, and nowhere to turn,
-but towards Mercy and Forgiveness...
Well, I suppose you'd have a hard time feeling anything but a bellyful of pity also. And, if you had a lick o' Virtue, as has our D.J. Ray-Ray, I imagine you'd might even experience a bit of 'Compassion' toward our poor, poor 'Governor'.
D.J. Ray-Ray put that 12inch back in its sleeve in his bag, opened the trapdoor and silently exited the room and the 'mansion' itself.
When he made it back to the hood, it was deep into the night. The celestial chorus of lights in the sky which normally filled D.J. Ray-Ray with awe and wonder, had this night only the stale twinkle of so much broken glass; that oh so banal and common a sight on the streets of his hood.
As he was very depressed and despondent, D.J. Ray-Ray could do naught but amble about the ghetto, lost in a mire of dire feelings and troubled thoughts over Little Happiness not having any shoes to attend Mayor Magnanimous' really big 'block party' in proper fashion, and, because of that, her being banished, maybe even forever, from the Great City of Ors itself.
Finally, he arrived at the apartment of the ghetto princess. It took even more courage for D.J. Ray-Ray to face Little Happiness and tell her of the sad ending of his adventure and of the unfortunate fate of her shoes than it had to begin his quest to get them back.
Little Happiness took the news with noble resignation. Seeing how the brow of D.J. Ray-Ray was furrowed with lines of lamentation, obviously for her, and how tired and famished he was, she became more concerned about him and his welfare than about her own gloomy fate.
Even though the really big 'block-party' was to begin with the very next sunrise, and she had not any shoes to properly attend, the ghetto princess was concerned only for D.J. Ray-Ray. Yea, had he not been brave and virtuous enough to employ his best faithful efforts to help her, whom he barely knew? So, she could not help but feel indebted to his honor and self-sacrifice.
She bade D.J. Ray-Ray to sit down while she right away went to the kitchen to make tea and fix up some hot potato leek soup and put together a couple of yummy avocado and jack cheese sandwiches.
After setting the humble meal before them, the ghetto princess Gave Thanks, and asked The Most High for their meal to be blessed, and, though full of doubt, she dared to wish for a miracle that somehow a pair of shoes might find their way to her so she could attend Mayor Magnanimous really big block-party in proper fashion and not have to be banished from the Great City.
D.J. Ray-Ray also Gave Thanks and asked The Most High for a blessing for their meal and wished too for a miracle; and also vowed that if Little Happiness were to be banished from the Great City, he would leave the Great City with her and protect her and help her meet any and all challenges and dangers that may arise from her unfortunate fate. They ate their meal in a somber silence ribboned softly with the subtle comfort of one another's company.
They were startled by a rhythmic rapping upon the door. Who could it be? At such a time? Little Happiness looked at the clock. It was 4:00 in the morning for goodness sakes! She arose and went to the door looked through the peep hole and saw this amazing and unusual sight...
A dude, in an impeccably tailored purple satin suit, a matching wide brim hat, tilted impeccably to the left, and which had a leopard print band, which matched his leopard print bowtie, and leopard print suspenders, which stood strikingly out from his impeccably crisp hot pink shirt, that had sterling silver buttons inlaid with mother of pearl. The brother had on purple patent leather shoes too, with leopard print spats that matched his suit and hatband and bowtie and suspenders. Very sparklely and oh so delightfully gaudy diamond rings impeccably graced the pinky fingers of both hands, and, in one of those hands was a mahogany cane impeccably carved with motifs of various African Spirits and with which he was rhythmically rapping upon the door. In his other hand was a package wrapped in purple wrapping paper that impeccably matched his suit and a bright hot pink bow that impeccably matched his shirt. Who in the world could this dude be? Little Happiness had never seen him before, though, there was something familiar about him, familiar in a 'Family' sort of way. He smiled a great wide smile with great white wide impeccably gapped teeth. She could not see his eyes for his spectacular funky diamond studded fun glasses, The impeccable dude spoke melodically through the door,
“Com'on girl, an' open this door! We ain't got all night! Sun gon' soon be up! Don't be actin' all shy, like you don't recognize!" The dude had a distinctive lisp to his speech and he delivered his words with a singing cadence that waved between light joy and thick seriousness, while leaving no doubt that the voice upon which those words flowed came from the heart of a Real Friend.
Little Happiness opened the door, and the dude impeccably sauntered right on in. They knew not yet why, but Little Happiness and D.J. Ray-Ray felt their spirits soar from the Grand Presence of this dude. They were speechless. The dude looked at D.J. Ray-Ray,
“Ooh girl! You just go on an' on with yo' lovely self!
Is this yo' date fo' th' prom? Just as han'som' as he wanna be! What's yo' name sir?"
“D.J. Ray-Ray." They shook firm but gentle hands. The dude looked back at Little Happiness and gave her a wink,
“Oh uh uh! An' he a D.J. too? Well, I shouldn't be at all surprised. I mean, good taste does just run all up down our family! Mmm hmm, just be oozin' on up from daddy's side, an' just a drippin' on down from momma's side!" This dudes Musical Speech and Impeccable Presence astonished and tickled Little Happiness. There was something about him that seemed almost too good to be true. She could not help but giggle as she asked,
“A-Are we... related?” the dude whipped his head around to face Little Happiness with his arms wide open,
“Are we related? Girl you still don't recognize? Of course we be related sugar... I mean...I am yo' Fairy God Father ain't I?!” The impeccable dude, who was indeed Little Happiness' 'Fairy God Father' smiled like the wide and bright full moon bidding her,
“Now stop playin' so shy and come give me a hug!" Little Happiness rushed in to his euphoric embrace.
...After a long, tight, warm, rapturous hug, her Fairy God Father stepped back and told Little Happiness to sit down. He knelt upon one knee, looked at his diamond studded watch, which kept impeccable time, looked deeply at his beloved god daughter and spoke so,
“Seein' as we ain't got much time, an' I dare not be late fo' my next appointment, let's get right to the business of why I'm here this early, early mornin'..." Her Fairy God Father forthwith handed her that package. “...This is for you!" Little Happiness nervously and with clumsy excitement began unwrapping her package. She and D.J. Ray-Ray, breaths in expectant abatement, felt their hearts simultaneously rise to the upper most parts of their chests when she finally got to the box underneath the wrapping and removed the lid... Oh my Good, Good, Good and Great God! They saw there an exquisite pair of crystal slippers! With emerald studded bows and pearl soles! They both were greatly astounded and speechless. Little Happiness began to swoon. D.J. Ray-Ray gently put his arm around her and held her steady. Crystal slippers! And they were for her! Can you imagine? She could attend the 'block-party' in grand style!
“...Oh yea, girl, only the best for my god daughter! Go 'head on and try 'em on! You gon' see they fit perfect, for, your heart is true an' pure an' you always keep yo' head proper on your shoulders!" Little Happiness put the slippers on and they did fit perfect. She marveled at her feet.
“...That's right, honey, they's made o' crystal 'cause you ain't got nuthin' to hide! So girl, I want you to let that light shine! You hear me? I want you to keep up the Family name and show up at that block-party in righteous style! An' you gon' take this young man with you right?" Little Happiness and D.J. Ray-Ray looked bashfully, but also knowingly and expectantly, at one another,
“...Ain't y'all cute!" the Fairy God Father remarked. They all laughed and fell into a spontaneous three-way hug. Little Happiness' Fairy God Father broke off the hug abruptly,
“Ooh I wish I could stay an' see you at that block-party, but, lest I be late, I gots to go... A cousin o' yours on your momma's uncle's auntie's baby sister's side got some troubles o' his own, 'n' needs be that go do what I do best, an' put these helpin' hands o' mine to some mo' honest work! Bye Bye! Y'all stay sweet now!" And like a brisk breeze between winter and spring, Little Happiness' Fairy God Father grabbed his cane, tapped it thrice, spun impeccably around seven times and whisked out of the apartment, down the hall, down the stairs out the lobby through the streets, well on his Impeccable Fairy Way.
Well, as expected and duly anticipated, Mayor Magnanimous' magnanimous 'block-party' was a real smash. Everyone did attend, and no one was banished for lack of shoes. And Little Happiness did go with D.J. Ray-Ray, and they danced and danced and danced up and down all seven blocks for the whole three days, and, the ghetto princess did choose the D.J. for the one with whom she would, for the rest of her life, partner with, and enter into blessed union with, and face whatever Life and/or Fate and/or Destiny had in store for them. Their Blessed Union was duly blessed as such, for always and forever, by none other than Mayor Magnanimous himself, to the righteous delight of all who lived and loved in the Great City of Ors, most especially those who dwelt in the ghetto.
And so, as they tend to say, just here, in stories such as this:
They Lived very, very Large, and very, very Happily Ever After.
~~~
